stuck

strI think I’m stuck. Stuck in a funk. It’s burning out my creativity and slowing trying to eat away at any general optimism and zest for life. I’ve noticed that lately I’m reading a lot. And I mean a lot – literally a book a day – mostly fiction – which is a bad sign, it means that I’m trying to escape something, that I’ve been avoiding being alone with myself. Which is odd, because for months I’ve LONGED for alone time. But having 3 small children and a husband working crazy hours prevented that from happening. So all the things that I should’ve been thiking about and “working through” did not get thought about or worked through.

So here I am, as the song goes – “stuck in a moment” – where I am unable to move forward – so I’ve decided to blog as much of it out as i can.

I’ve got this project I’ve been mulling over for more than 2 years now – it’s a book, that I know I need to write – but as I’ve attemped to free it from the quagmire in my soul – I realize that I must deal with the quagmire first-then free the book.

Knowing that I’m probably either just shy of peri-menopause and/or just plain off, balance horomonally due to three successive pregnancies – all of this could just tbe the rantings resulting from the off kilter place i find myself in and once i resume taking my supplements, and then I’ll feel better. But I have that deeper knowing, that i’m on to something bigger here.

first subject – why am I not doing more things that leave my soul at happy? Ok evken in writing that line, i’m at odds with myself, because i do sing, I do love being with my kids, i do love being in nature, my garden, cooking, reading, writing…and i’m doing a little bit of those things everyday. OK – so it’s not that. I know I’m frustrated at myself for not using my alone time in the evenings more effectively… hmmm, tick one off for t

Secondly, I’ve noticed I don’t like how i’ve been talking lately – too aggressive.

Third – i’ve super sensitive at being treated poorly – do I just take it, and get tougher, or do i try to deal with it? Neither seems to be working…

Fourth – I’m tired, tired of juggling home, work, a business and all the rest. i liked it so much back when I wasn’t juggling so much, I’ve been dropping alot of balls lately, and yeah – i’m tired of it – and the thought that there’s no end in sight – is killing me.

I’m sure there’s more, but it’s Sunday, and it’s a work day, and I’m stirring up things that are not helpful to do my job well by making this list…

So, how to deal, Jesus, how to deal? today, I go to Oswald. Oswald Chambers that
is – July 26th – and all I can say is ouch.

matthew 15:18-20 – those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart…

Initially we trust in our ignorance, calling it innocence, and next we trust our innocence, calling it purity. When we read verses like that, we shrink back…

We resent what He (jesus) reveals in our hearts. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme authority of the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust the penetration of His Word into my heart, or would I prefer to trust my own “innocent ignorance”? If i will take an honest look at myself becoming fully aware of my so-called innocence and put it to the test, I am very likely to have a rude awakening that what jesus christ said is true, and i will be appalled at the possibilities for evil within me. But as long a remain under the false security of my own “innocence”, I am living in a fool’s paradise….when i am open and completely exposed before God, i find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis of me.

The only thing that truly provides protection is the redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will simply hand myself over to Him, i will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie within my heart. Purity is something far too deep for me to arrive at naturally. but when the Holy Spirit comes into me, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was exhibitied in the life of Jesus Christ, namely, the Holy Spirit, which is absolute, unblemished purity.

i take a big deep breath…and throw myself into the arms of Jesus, the arms of grace.

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