Hey dad, it’s been two years and yes, missing you is not as painful as it used to be, but every so often I have a day, or a moment when I really miss you. Today was one of those days. I wouldn’t let myself think about it until now, when I’m sitting in my bed getting ready to turn in for the night. I wouldn’t let my thoughts wander the way I”m letting them wander now. I wouldn’t let myself think about all the things I miss.
Things like being able to pick up the phone to call you just to say hi and hear you say, “Mimi!” like hearing my voice was the best thing to happen to you all day, and then at the end of the conversation to hear your “I love you” – because I didn’t really realize all those years how precious it would be to me – knowing that you were one of few people who truly knew me for my best and worst and really really loved me just the way I am. I miss that a lot.
I also miss being able to think things through with your perspective, even if it was just you being silly or telling me I was too serious. I don’t have a lot of people who still tell me that. I miss hearing your laugh, especially when you could barely control it (like whenever you’d watch The Three Stooges) – and I miss your lectures on the most important things in life – family, politics, food, history (Greek) and economics, especially the family lectures.
I wish you could be here to watch my boys growing up, I just know you’d love their antics. I know you’d have a special connection with Lucas – he’s so bossy, and loud and funny…and tender hearted. But of course you’d love Max for his cute, sneaky, silly, joke playing ways – and he’s really smart about things. They all love to figure out how things work and try to make them better…like you did. You had just met Carter and he mostly just slept, but now as he’s ahoqinf his personality more every day. I just know you’d have fun with him, he loves to help and is very intelligent – he loves to copy his big brothers, and he’s extremely independent, stubborn and also loud – but he’s always ready with a smile and can’t resist a hug or kiss either. They all love to be outside, and they love to get their hands dirty (and every other body part it seems). they love water, and Lucas and Max are playing soccer this year, and Lucas towers over the rest of his team, but at least he shares the ball now. I miss that they won’t know you on this side of eternity. That like me, they’ll go through most of their life without their grandpa (Papoo). The older I get the more I treasure what the older generation is meant to be to the family. You definitely would have been a blessing in countless ways.
I miss your dinners, going for walks with you, listening to music with you and especially just sitting with you. There’s so much I’d pay attention to now, things I took for granted. Like how hospitable you were, family history I may never hear now, just your way with us, with mom, with people… I missed a lot of chances to spend time with you, because I always thought that we’d have more time later…but the minutes kept whizzing by, and one day they were all used up. Later was never available. It’s a pretty painful lesson for me, but a life changing one. To make the most of NOW. To live life fully, to enjoy my kids, my family, my forever friends… to let go of the hurts, the frustrations, the pains – and to love.
Daddy, I’ve got it really good. You did such an amazing job in helping raise us girls – your biggest wish dad – that’d we’d always be friends and love each other, and not let fighting and other things get in the way – that wish came to pass. We really have a special relationship with each other, and with mom. Each of them unique, but precious. I love them with this “wow” love. That’s the best I can explain it and I know it’s returned. Thank you for that.
Anyways dad, I know you are up there in the Throne Room once in awhile, and that you can see us – that you are a witness in that Great Cloud. I know it because Jesus showed me once when I was worshiping, and my heart was broken just after you had passed. Anyways, that really helps me, and now I know you are getting a kick out of the escapades of my boys. I know that now your joy is full and I know that you are one with Jesus, and that we will meet again. That comforts me on days like today – days that are a mixture of sadness, regret, gratitude and grace. Anyways, say hi to so many of the saints I’d love to meet for me, and especially my yaya and papoo, and grandpa too. I miss you still,