I’ve had a fear of being “ordinary” for as long as I can remember. It’s driven me to try to accomplish something, to “be” someone, to leave a legacy that is…special.
I haven’t wanted to be “just like everyone else”… and lately, as in the last few years, I’ve had to examine this drive. This sense of inadequacy and where it comes from.
Most people do not live to see the significance their life has or hasn’t had on their world and it’s far reaching effects…and yet I’ve been constantly aware of it. I’ve lived with a shadow on my heart because I didn’t find ‘significant’ education, or ‘significant’ success in business or ministry…
I think I’ve even tried to find ‘significance’ in my relationships with underlying motives of becoming significantly “wise”… what’s wrong with that you ask. Pretty sure that pretty much everything is wrong with that. I am a person, and the people in my life are significant because we are HERE. We all matter to someone. We all matter to God.
I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve developed some kind of psychological imbalance or spiritual deficit because I haven’t. I think I’ve just come to a place where I’ve realized that it’s not necessary for me to stand out from the crowd to be significant. I am no more or less significant than any other person…I am ordinary. Ordinary is not insignificant.
I matter to Him, but more than that, I’m not the only one that matters to Him. Yes I am beloved…highly favoured and blessed…but I don’t deserve it any more than the next person…none of us deserve His love, His forgiveness and grace…Yet He loves us anyways. We matter to him.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel that I have to matter to everyone else in order to matter to God. (And yes I know I am significant to my friends and family…my people – I am blessed among women). It’s just been a bit of a day of inward reckoning…
I’ve been very comfortable focusing on thinking about my place in the world, my place in history, the things I feel and think… without honestly giving a whole lot of thought to the fact that others maybe live like that too. I haven’t really thought about the role that others have might have NOTHING to do with ME. Thinking in that small minded way that everything happening around me, is about me. Crazy I know… I think I’ve been a slow learner at this… or maybe just an ordinary learner – lol.
This morning I read this post from a lovely soul (Thank you PW) who is an inspiration in her authenticity and transparency, it sums up how I’ve been feeling…
I sat in my usual spot.
I am a creature of habit.
I saw him coming down the bus aisle.
Pants hanging way past his waist.
“Please God don’t let him sit beside me”
I put my purse down on the chair beside me.
Closed my eyes and leaned against the window.
Avoiding eye contact.
I felt his presence.
Standing beside me.
I opened my eyes.
He looked down at my purse and motioned me to move it.
“Fine” I thought to myself.
As I wondered why God had ignored my previous request.
He smelled like a mixture of drugs and alcohol.
I rolled up my sweatshirt and tried to ignore the smell.
I was feeling pretty sorry myself.
And wondering what I did to deserve this kick off to my Thanksgiving weekend.
I look over and noticed him texting someone.
“I want to die, everyone hates me”
The message said.
Whoosh…I could feel Jesus reminding me of where I use to be.
I started to take in this stranger beside me.
Starting at his feet.
His shoes were falling apart.
The back pack on his lap was held together with duct tape.
It was then that I noticed.
There written with something sharp.
Were words like these:
My eyes filled with tears.
I know what it feels.
To feel like that.
I started to pray.
For this man sharing.
My bus space.
“Are you ok” he asked.
“You aren’t worthless” I replied. “You have infinite value”
His eyes welled with tears.
“No one has ever said that to me before”
I gave him my cell number.
“Next time you feel like that, text me”
I got off at my stop.
Nodded my head goodbye.
And thanked Jesus for my new friend.
Be in prayer.
He has infinite value.
His creator said so.
Thankful that He who created me.
Sometimes says “No” to my selfish requests.
Blessed and Grateful.
For many things.
And that’s a great thought to kick off my Thanksgiving weekend.
Linking up here. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone (in Canada)!