Women of Valor

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Last year I read Rachel Held Evans thought provoking book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood. In it she discusses the Woman of Valor, otherwise known as the Proverbs 31 Woman. I also read an article she had written where she outlines 3 little known things about Proverbs 31. I found it so very encouraging, as honestly, sometimes I felt  like I would just never measure up to such an impossible standard for the ideal wife. Image result for woman of valor images

1. Proverbs 31 is a poem. The author is essentially showing us what wisdom looks like in action. It is an acrostic poem, so the first word of each verse begins with a letter from the Hebrew alphabet in succession. Like any good poem, the purpose of this one is to draw attention to the often-overlooked glory of the everyday.

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2. The “Target Audience” of Proverbs 31 is Men. She explained that she first learned this from a Jewish friend Ahava, who told her that in Jewish culture, it’s not the women who memorize Proverbs 31, but the men. They memorize it, Ahava said, to sing it as a song of praise to the women in their lives—their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, and friends. Ahava’s husband sings Proverbs 31 to her at every Sabbath meal.

3. Proverbs 31 Celebrates Valor. The first line of the Proverbs 31 poem—“a virtuous woman who can find?”—is best translated, “a woman of valor who can find?” The Hebrew is eshet chayil, “woman of valor”. To make this fact even more fun, Ahava explained that she and her friends cheer one another on with the blessing, celebrating everything from promotions, to pregnancies, to acts of mercy and justice, to battles with cancer with a hearty “eshet chayil”! Think of it as something like the Jewish “you go girl.”

For me, this was a revolutionary discovery when I realized, I didn’t need to check off all the traits mentioned in Pr. 31, but rather I needed to embrace it as a new way of thinking…it is a pattern helping us to see that everything we do as women, for the Lord, in this life…is praiseworthy. We are not designed to copy the woman from Proverbs 31, “copying any other woman, even one from the Bible, is always,,, a bad idea.” (RHE) We are free to be ourselves, in Christ.

You see, I believe that we empower and affirm others when we bless them. Often through the year at the Moms Group at our church, I’ve felt like yelling this phrase out to many the women as they shared their hopes, dreams, struggles, fears and lives… but refrained, as I couldn’t explain the context of why I was randomly yelling in Hebrew.

To the ladies of Bethany Moms Group 2016-17…

To me, you are all Proverbs 31 women – women who bless your families with their energy and creativity each day. Valor isn’t about what you do, but how you do it. (RHE)

You stayed home when you were really looking forward to going out… to nurse sick kids?…Eshet Chayil! Woman of Valor!

You hosted your mother in law for Mother’s day when you are like 10 months pregnant?  Eshet Chayil!

You finished your university education? Eshet Chayil!

You got your baby to sleep in her own bed…at night? Eshet Chayil!

You got out of the house with a dish to share, dressed with makeup and a kid or two in tow? Eshet Chayil!

You made chocolate covered strawberries for snack with a toddler and an infant at home? Eshet Chayil!

You aren’t afraid to cry and show the world that your soft heart is touched by so much? Eshet Chayil!

You are shy, but too hungry for more of God to hold back from asking the difficult questions? Eshet Chayil!

You decided to host a community dinner to bless the people around you who wouldn’t get a special dinner? Eshet Chayil!

You gave someone a ride who it was inconvenient and out of your way to drive? Eshet Chayil!

You got your closets all organized! Eshet Chayil!

You learned to make a meal plan, modify a recipe or just simply made dinner instead of buying out?  Eshet Chayil!

You learned to make gifts to give to save money but still be a blessing? Eshet Chayil!

You moved to a new country, city, house or church? Eshet Chayil!

You took on work outside your home to contribute to your families finances? Eshet Chayil!

You conquered Mount Laundry today? Eshet Chayil!

You decided to go back to school and start a new career path? Eshet Chayil!

You didn’t yell when you’re daughter spilled fruit punch on your new pants, at church? Eshet Chayil!

You survived the longest labour in recorded history? Eshet Chayil!

You took your kids to the park and the house was a disaster, but the sun was shining so you just went? Eshet Chayil!

You are walking alongside someone battling cancer? Eshet Chayil!

You assisted a family who is fostering new children? Eshet Chayil!

You fasted during lent, while cooking meals for the rest of your family? Eshet Chayil!

You got up to pray, when all you wanted to do was sleep? Eshet Chayil!

You went for a walk instead of eating cake? Eshet Chayil!

You bought a birthday cake rather than make one from scratch to save time and sanity? Eshet Chayil!

You re-learned grade 7 math so you could tutor your son? Eshet Chayil!

You took care of your kids all week with a sprained ankle? Eshet Chayil!

You keep showing up when you’re an introvert who’d rather stay home and play video games? Eshet Chayil!

You took care of babies and littles while their moms went to a Bible Study each week? Eshet Chayil!

You are part of an amazing team of women who run this Mom’s Group each week, despite having busy families and lives and pray for and plan these amazing mornings?  Eshet Chayil! 

Thank you for reading today, and thank you to all the Eshet Chayil’s in my life… you are innumerable and invaluable and immensely loved.

Reading List for 2017

After a brief delay including sickness and family craziness, here’s my very, very long and challenging reading list for 2017. In following my pattern, I simply won’t get through all of these but I really really aspire to conquer this list. It’s very diverse, with a few carry overs from last year, and has a lot of challenging classics mixed in, and of course, it always gets added to as my literary friends pass along and recommend “must reads” – especially if they coincide with the general “theme” of my year. I’ll keep you posted on my progress…and I’d love to hear from you. What are you reading this year? Have you read anything on my list, what are your thoughts?  Happy journeys!

Theology

  • Of the Imitation of Christ                              Thomas a Kempis
  • When I Saw Him                                               Roy Hession
  • Seeds of Hope                                                  Henri Nouwen
  • Abba’s Child                                                    Brennan Manning
  • Searching for Sunday                                    Rachel Held Evans
  • The Return of the Prodigal Son                 Henri Nouwen
  • Reaching Out                                                   Henri Nouwen
  • Misfits Welcome                                              Matthew Barnett
  • The Ragamuffin Gospel                               Brennon Manning
  • A Million Miles in a Thousand Years        Donald Miller
  • Made to Crave                                                 Lysa Terkwerst
  • Where There is Love There is God           Mother Theresa
  • The Fringe Hours                                           Jessica N Turner
  • Baseball as a Road to God                         John Sexton
  • Sacred Marriage                                             Gary Thomas

 Memoir/ Autobiography/ Other

  • Night                                                                           Elie Wiesel
  • A Life Observed – Spiritual Bio of CSLewis  Devin Brown
  • These Are the Generations                                 Bae and Foley
  • Keeping the Feast                                                  Paula Buturini
  • This Time Together                                               Carol Burnett
  • The Sacred Year                                                    Michael Yankoski
  • Quiet                                                                       Susan Cain 

History

  • The Origins of Pagan & Christian Beliefs      Edward Carpenter
  • A Brief History of Christianity                           Bomber Gascoigne
  • Thrones of Blood                                                 Josephus
  • British Kings and Queens                                 Mike Ashley 

Fiction

  • The Seventh Plague                                       James Rollins
  • Killing Floor                                                       Lee Child
  • The Secret Life of Bees                                 Sue Monk Kidd
  • The War Hawk                                                 James Rollins
  • The Silmarillion                                              J. R.R.Tolkien
  • Night Time is My Time                                  Mary Higgins Clark

Classics

  • The Sound and the Fury                                 William Faulkner
  • Mere Christianity                                               C.S. Lewis
  • Emma                                                                   Jane Austen
  • The Count of Monte Cristo                            Alexandre Dumas
  • Selected Poems                                                Emily Dickenson
  • Collected Poems on Truth & Inspiration Keats

 With the Boys in Home School

  • Myth Maker – J. R.R. Tolkien                        Anne E. Neimark
  • On the Far Side of the Mountain               Jean Craighead George
  • The Railway Children                                     E. Nesbit
  • A Child’s Garden of Verses                            Robert Lewis Stevenson
  • A Desperate Road to Freedom                    Bradford
  • The Family Under the Bridge                       Natalie Savage Carlson
  • Stowaway                                                           Karen Hesse
  • The Hiding Place                                             Corrie Ten Boom
  • Paul Bunyan & His Great Blue Ox              Retold by Wallace Wadsworth
  • Hans Brinkler or the Silver Skates            Mary Mapes Dodge
  • Grimms Fairy Tales                                        The Brothers Grimm


 

What I Read in 2016…

 

Image result for pics of reading booksBack in the spring of last year, I shared my reading list here. I thought I’d update it, before the year is done, but alas it is now January! …maybe you’ll be inspired to read more in these cold winter months, when no one can fault you for curling up on the couch for hours on end…

Reality Check…Since more than half of that list were “no-go’s” – here’s an update on what I did end up reading:Image result for pics of reading books

Disclaimer – for those of you who are new to a Whisper of Grace…I am very aware that I read a lot. Furthermore, this list is not comprehensive because I don’t include books I only get part way through, and I haven’t included reference books (because that would be kind of boring and perhaps give you too much insight into my private life – ha) and also, technically there’s only two classics on this list, and lot’s of fiction and memoir which tend to be easy reads…this year I’m hoping to return to reading some great works that are “harder” reads.  I hope this list inspires you or perhaps you’ve also read one of these (or more) and would like to discuss – I’d love to hear from you so please leave a comment. Later this week I’ll post what I hope to read in 2017 – at least to start.

WHAT I’M READING NOW:

World War Z by  Max Brooks

My husband gave me this for Christmas and I’m really enjoying it. It’s so completely different from the movie – and such a different writing style and composition. A fictional history on a past world wide zombie pandemic. I don’t use this word a lot, but it’s really cool.

 

 

 

Quiet by Susan Cain

Product Details“The power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking” – I’ve heard so much about this book and feel like it’s going to change my way of thinking about myself, the way Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax did about understanding boys, or like Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman did for valuing my own gifts years ago.

 

 

With Open Hands  by Henri Nouwen

Product DetailsI can only say, thanks to a friend, this spring will be for me, “the year of Henri Nouwen”. I read 2 of his smaller books last year and this being one of them and I literally felt my heart growing.

 

 

 

The Calvary Road by Roy Hession

Product DetailsAgain, another little gem that revolutionizes your mind and heart.

 

 

 

 

FICTION                                                                         

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The Bone Labyrinth  by James Rollins 

The Survivor by Vince Flynn

Speaking in Bones Kathy Reichs

These were fun. Kind of like a movie, the kind of book I can usually finish in a night if I’m willing to sacrifice a little sleep. It’s usually worth it.

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Sons of Encouragement  by Francine Rivers

The Last Sineater by Francine Rivers          

The Blythes are Quoted LM Montgomery       

These were more thoughtful. Usually take me a few days. Like thoughtful movies, that leave you thinking a little bit.

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The Undoing of Saint Silvanus                      Beth Moore

I adored this book. It was fun, and moving and riveting – pure enjoyment. It had quirky characters and a fun setting, a great plot with some twists. Beth Moore’s first foray into fiction does not disappoint.

 

 

Product DetailsThe Red Tent                                                  Anita Diamant

After reading – a year of Biblical Womanhood where I first heard about it, I found it fortunate to find this book on a freebie table…and I love love loved it. It reminded me of The Woman Who Named God by Charlotte Gordon – but even better… because it covers the stories of more than just one woman from the time of Abraham. It was fascinating and also empowering.

Non-Fiction

Product DetailsUninvited                                                       Lysa Terkeurst

One of my favs this year, my take away was to savor the gifts of being alone, being set apart (rejected) and silence.

 

 

 

Product DetailsPresent Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist

This was not one of my favourites from SN. Not bad, just didn’t blow me away – I didn’t connect with repeated truths as I had in past books like Cold Tangerines and Bread & Wine, but I did take away the value again, of silence…it also happened to be when I was reading Hession and Nouwen – who both addressed silent seasons in prayer…so maybe it was timely afterall.

 

Product DetailsParis  by Edward Rutherford

For me reading Rutherford is like going on a Holiday to fascinating places around the world. Since I’ve actually been to Paris – I loved this one perhaps most because of the connection to the physical city I’ve experienced. It was also interesting to me because we were studying the French Revolution in Homeschool around the same time…really made it come alive for me.

Experience And EducationAmusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business

Experience and Education  by John Dewey

Amusing Ourselves to Death  by Neil Postman

These were very intellectual books tackling the subjects of public education and the effects of mass media and technology on society. Both very informative and interesting.

Product DetailsTeaching From Rest by Sarah MacKenzie

One of my favs from this year. I read it three times… and keep it nearby for handy access. It is not lost to me that my word for 2016 was REST and she drove home how to bring it into my homeschooling day again and again. I think this would bless even non-homeschooling families.

 

Ordinary Christianity    by Jonathon Welton

I like reading Welton, because he pushes the religious cultural boundaries – but in a very loving and biblical way – not in a way that leaves you with more questions than answers like some authors do, but with questions and hope, definitely hope.

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A Gracious Space: Winter, Spring, Fall         Julie Bogart

Fav. Homeschool “devotional” – and she’s started a series on Youtube last year, so I can listen to it while setting up school or doing the dishes. Score.

Product DetailsOrthodoxy                                                      G K Chesterton

It took me 2 years to finish this one. Take away…as a society – we know so much and are even more ignorant. As believers we need to listen more and speak less. We need to hold onto our identity in Christ with more passion and more humility. And finally, history repeats itself .

 

 

 

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Mr. Owita’s Guide to Gardening                   Carol Wall

Reading this book was an emotional experience. Very good, timely for me…healing.

 

 

 

Product DetailsNotes from a Blue Bike                                  Tsh Oxenreider

Great book, but to be completely honest – I get more from her blog and podcast.

 

 

 

Product DetailsProduct DetailsCarry on Warrior    &           Love Warrior                         by Glennon Doyle Melton

I read both of these within months of each other. I was moved, I don’t agree with all she says, but mostly I learned some things about myself and my own faith, and that made all the difference.

Product DetailsAtlas Girl                                                         Emily T. Wierenga

My take on this was Kind of the same as Notes from a Blue Bike. I read a lot of memoirs this year, and enjoyed them all…but they only take you so far. I did like that I was hearing from a Canadian in this one.

 

 

Product DetailsLean on Me                                                     Anne Marie Miller

This was timely for me as I took a step out of my comfort zone and joined a Mom’s group at church this past fall. This book spoke to me about stepping out in faith again, to open myself up to others, to be vulnerable and have community outside of where I was comfortable.

 

Product DetailsSpeak                                                              Nish Weiseth

Another memoire, but lot’s of take away – all to do with Story and sharing and community.

 

 

 

Product DetailsA Year of Biblical Womanhood                     Sarah Held Evans

This one was right in the flow of so many things in my journey over the past couple years really. It was timely, and one I will revisit.

 

 

Product DetailsFor the Love                                                    Jen Hatmaker

This book just made me laugh and laugh – and then hammered home truth like a shotgun when I was exposed and not expecting it…yeah, it was just like that.

 

 

Product DetailsThe Way of the Heart                         Henri Nouwen

OH My – where does one start with Henri? This book discusses silence and solitude and prayer and pilgrimage and hospitality in ways like I’ve NEVER heard. As mentioned above, I literally felt shifts happening in my head and heart while reading this little gem. Kind of like reading Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence, but in today’s language…only kind of.

 

Product DetailsAll the Pretty Things                                      Edie Wadsworth

This was an adventure that I couldn’t put down. I’ve read her blog for years, and the book just did not disappoint. The blog kept us posted on her journey in writing it, so it was just great to be along for the ride.

 

 

Product DetailsFrozen Tears                                                   Lina Aziz

Eye opening account behind the doors of one Arab-Canadian family – and grace and salvation.

 

 

 

Product DetailsA Million Little Ways                                     Emily P Freeman

Hands down the best book of my year – it spoke to my heart as an artist, a writer, a woman and as a child of God. Liberating and encouraging on so many levels. I gave away several copies of this one.

 

 

Product DetailsThe Life-Giving Home                                    Sally & Sarah Clarkson

Mother-Daughter team – loved the insight into their writing, their home and family practices, and took so much away from this practically and personally.

 

 

HOME EDUCATION – these were books we read aloud together in School last year.

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My Side of the Mountain                    Jean Craighead George

20000 Leagues Under the Sea            Jules Verne

The Long Winter                                 Laura Ingalls Wilder

The King’s Shadow                              Elizabeth Alder

The Door in the Wall                          Marguerite de Angeli

Jotham’s Journey                                 Arnold Ytreeide

 

I love our read aloud part of the day. It doesn’t happen everyday, but I wish it would – it never disappoints and it’s so exciting to go on the adventures of these books along with my kids.

 

 

 

Someone is ALWAYS Watching…

I’ve been haunted by this phrase for the better part of my life. I don’t remember the first time I heard it, but I do clearly remember my mom pointing to my younger sisters and warning me to be careful in every choice I made from what I did at home to what I did at school, to what I wore, to who I did or didn’t date…

“Now remember, there are 4 little girls watching your every move, the choices you make in life will directly effect them and how they live down the road.” 

In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that’s not true, because as the typical parent-pleasing first born, I put my head down and tried my very best to never make a mistake. There was some safety in this, I avoided many pits that could have destroyed me, drinking, drugs, boys…but I also never really put my whole self out there, I always held a little back – my full voice caught in a vise of fear. Thanks to having a decent singing voice and early lessons, I landed the most of the lead roles in my high school dramas, but I always felt disconnected from my roles. I’m sure the directors wanted me to pull from somewhere deep, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to let my spirit fly, in music, in art, in dance or anything, but I never did, because it’s impossible to try to fly, if your goal is to never fall. Eventually I found a safety net in production – directing others to fly was so much easier and safer than doing it myself.

Image result for following the leader pics…and as for the example I set?…my sisters just pointed accusing fingers at me declaring that I set an impossible standard for them, and chose to do as they pleased regardless. So my choices just created a divide between us.  Sometimes I felt very alone in my big family. I must note that I did make mistakes of course, and I grew through them, but I instinctively hid my failures in shame – thus increasing the gulf of separation. AND I never really learned how to fly… In fact I’m still not 100% sure that I chose the path I really wanted, or just what I thought was the best example to set. Regardless, I was on this path and it was a lesson that I would have to keep repeating again and again…

I left home for Bible college at 19 and was recruited in my second year to join the teaching staff in the music department, instead of pursuing university like I had planned. Soon after signing the contract the Dean of Students said,

“Now remember, you have to set an example to the other students, they are watching you and will use you as a bench mark…”

And so I put my head down and tried my very best to never make a mistake…and again, I found myself feeling very alone while surrounded by my peers… trying to grow while striving to never openly make a mistake. The worst part was that I learned that even when you try to not make any big mistakes…sometimes people can’t wait to see you fail…and sometimes they will make up lies about you, to tear you down. They will still misread your choices, and misunderstand situations they see you in and judge you unfairly if they want to. Since it is impossible to live through your twenties without failing, I also stumbled along in  maturing…but again trying to hide my mistakes, the weight of them becoming an increasingly heavy burden to bear.

Image result for following the leader picsI did learn to know what a true friend looked like though, and I did learn to be the kind of friend to others that I wanted to have. I was rewarded with some amazing friends, who would carry me through the next cycle of the very same lesson…

A few years later I was asked to join the staff of a large church staff as a Creative Arts Director and Worship leader… and in one of my initial meetings I was told…

“Now remember, the entire congregation is always watching you…”

This season became one of the longest  of my life. You see some people figured out that this was my currency, and that I could be manipulated through guilt, through people pleasing… and sometimes people used it to get me to put my head down and set a “good example”working hard, sometimes too hard, often too much, pressuring others to work with me… and it worked for several years…but you see, I was leading worship…that’s right WORSHIP… and God tends to show up and talk to you in Worship…Somewhere along the way I learned that trying not to make mistakes was not working…that I needed to try to live… to really live. Not living because people are watching, but because God was…and He was on my side. He wanted me to be true to the gift and voice within me. You can’t really lead others into worship if your most pressing motive is to not fail. True worship is like flying, it sets your heart free – because He is truth and he sets us free.  He lifts our burdens off our shoulders. In His freedom I realized that I would always fail and I would often make mistakes. Worship leading into truth would mean walking this path openly.

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lol – I could not resist…

When we follow Christ, we are setting an example… we show others that when we fail, when we fall – we fall INTO grace, not out of it. How much more powerful would my example have been if I’d been showing this failing and falling all along? How much better would it have been for these people watching me, to see me fail…and then rise up again?

I began to learn that setting an example didn’t have to be an impossible burden of shame, self-effort and being alone…but one of surrender, rest and genuine community.

I’m so glad I learned this before I became a mom… because being a mom is hard. It’s hard because your kids are always watching you.

Sometimes I think being a homeschooling mom is harder still, only because there’s no breaks – no school to send them away to, no job to throw yourself into… it’s just you and them, all day…and you and yourself the rest of the time.

I see my failures every day, sometimes ALL DAY.

I see them because there is no other people or activities to soften the blow. I see it in the tone of our home…in the chaos, in the hurts and in the attitudes, reactions and back talk. I see my selfishness, my failings, I hear my words reflected back at me in my own children. There is no hiding your mistakes from your children. They catch you, every time and they hold nothing back in telling you about it, every time.

Image result for set a good example picsThere’s no hiding and no stepping back from flying either. If I want my kids to fly (and I do), then I realize more and more, that I need to show them how to fly, by flying myself, right off the mountainside and into grace. If I want my kids to worship, then I must truly worship, right along with them, at all times. If I want them to know God, than I have bring Him into each moment the good, the bad, the ugly, and live out grace humbly and openly, failures and all, knowing that they are always watching me.

Hopefully one day they won’t say that I set an impossible standard, but rather inspired them with an example that was impossible to resist following. May my steps be full of grace and their eyes be always watching indeed.

 

 

 

Roller Coasters and Redemption

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A couple months ago I felt like I was living on an emotional roller coaster. Funny, for this year, 2016, my word is “rest”. Since January, I’ve found that it’s a become a trendy word…along with “Being Present, Simplicity…keeping your peace…maintaining balance”… you get the idea. But you know what?…it’s hard to rest on a roller coaster.

Those are wonderful notions and it is absolutely worth doing your best to remain in rest… (Hebrews 4:1-11). My struggle is, how do you remain in rest when the hard things of real life, that you have no control over, happen – smack in the middle of wonderful and good things?

Let me explain…

In the span of 4 short weeks we battled a strange illness that took out the entire family one by one for 24 hours, we attended wedding events for my sister, a baby shower, a commencement for our boys, a 40th wedding anniversary for dear friends, received a diagnosis four our daughter, Mother’s Day, our own anniversary, Father’s Day and three funerals. That’s right, three. Three people we cared about, passed into eternity. The often jarring ups and downs of celebration and mourning has taken me two months to recover from…and I still can’t quite wrap my heart around it all.

Sometimes, you can’t “opt out” of the things that take place in your life…you just have to roll with the punches and take really deep breaths as often as possible.

Eventually things slowed down for us…a little. The rhythms of daily life returned and the liturgy of living filled our days. Yet I’m haunted by the three goodbyes… All three people had full lives, loving families with all that family entails. All three were taken out by disease and all three had to deal with severe disappointments. The kind that rob years from a life. But, the caveat in this is that all three had beautiful stories of redemption in the final years. In the first, a life was robbed of 20 or more years of spiritual fulfillment, because of the destructive words of religion without grace. In the second, an artist was stifled by family responsibilities and many years with a partner who didn’t truly see them…and the third, a hard, hard life – of addiction, near poverty, violence and ultimately the terrible grief in the loss of child and spouse. Sorrow and almost constant hardship.

And yet, redemption came.

Redemption came to the first, the one destroyed by the words of religion, through the grace filled words of God through a son-in-law. Redemption came in the second through a humbled partner, and the flower of the artist began to bloom again. Redemption came to the third, not through one act, but through the realization that every eulogy, every memory, every story shared… revolved around laughter. Her ability to find  and hold onto joy right in the middle of what would have been a living hell to anyone else, filled out the lines of darkness with the most beautiful colours to make a masterpiece of a life.

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Because of the celebratory moments that punctuated the days in between each funeral, I was forced to immediately choose joy as well. Joy in shared love, in creating new memories, in the glory of summer nights, good friends, good food and music. Laughter, tears, frustration, hard work and whispered prayer…

The thrill of kids at the beach, cliff jumping into the lake, a dog eager to go for a walk, a canoe trip down a slow river with a toddler who spies a family of turtles for the first time. The thrills of slow rising ups, surprising twists and turns, crazy drops and loop-d-loops… and I remind myself that at least my roller coaster didn’t do this…

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365 Days…revisted

Welcome! This post has been revised from one I posted in 2009 on the anniversary of my dad’s graduation to eternity. Nothing has changed in how I feel, except that the memories and observations are richer with maturity and time. I hope you enjoy remembering him with me today.

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Was it really just a year ago that i was at your bedside saying goodbye?
the dull throaty feeling is gone when I think about you, but it’s been replaced by a shadowy soft sadness that is always there in the background, like a whisper.
    
I think it’s what’s left of the imprint you’ve left on my heart and when I think about you, it’s like a scar, the pain is gone, but I still feel it and the memory is sweetly sad.

there have been so many countless moments when I’ve wanted to talk to you,
When I wanted you to just hold my hand again and mimi…oh daddy i miss you so

With you lie all the memories of my girlhood.

My mind is filled with visions of running through the dewy grass of your fresh-cut lawn, dappled sunshine under your grapevines, watching you eat a tomato like an apple, BBQ dinners on the red and white patio stones, walking at twilight, bike rides and soft ice cream cones from the Cone & Shake Shop…

The grassy beaches of Lake Erie when we were camping, sitting around the fire…

I miss the days of you me, Jenny and the “dinghy” at Rondeau

I miss your story telling, and how we’d always miss the punch lines because you’d already be laughing so hard that we didn’t understand you…

Hearing the explosion of your Ford each morning when you started it and knowing it scared all the neighbour kids

I miss your silly songs and even your lectures about Greece.

I’m thankful that you taught me how to cook and bake all those Tuesday nights when mom was at Bible Study, and I’m thankful for the hours in the pool

That you recorded all of our Christmases, that you would turn the oldies on and dance with mom in the kitchen… that you never turned down a hug or a walk around the creek

That you insisted that every holiday should be spent with family, and that cousins were as important at brothers and sisters…and that many times friends were family.

That every time someone comes over (and the door was always open) you ask them to sit down and if they’d like something to eat or drink…and that you always have to have something to offer them, and to never hold back giving your best.

I know that you’d just love getting to know Lucas, Max and Carter more each day,
especially since I see so many glimpses of you in them, their thirst for adventure, love of being outside, their feisty “know it all-ness”, their fascination with how things work, their big laughs, sense of wonder and inability to whisper and ability to “make a deal”…

(and oh how you’d love Elaina and the other grandkids that have showed up since…)

I wish that I could thank you again and again,
for giving me such a rich childhood and for raising me right
for driving home the values of respect, to love mom and my family, hard work, integrity, loyalty, forgiveness, laughter, faithfulness… and grace

Thank you for sharing your love of history, and politics, economics, Greece and gardening…for allowing us to see you grieve losing your own parents but also for celebrating the small and big things, really well…and for never giving up…on any of us.

and if I could go back and do anything over…

I would make sure that you were as much a part of my early adulthood as you were my early years…

I’d live more like I hope I am now,
with a painful awareness that each and every day is a gift, and that I should make the most of each moment and love the people in my life because here i am, and it’s already been 365 days, and it feels like I just said goodbye yesterday…

I’ll never stop loving you, and I’ll never forget you,

I will see you again, and until then, I know that as you see me from that “great cloud of witnesses” you are full of the Glory of the One who will help me run this race with endurance.

al my love, always

Mimi


 

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This is where my kids’ attitudes come from…does anyone else see it?

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Just before he immigrated to Canada. Wasn’t he handsome?

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One of many days at Rondeau beach. I’m sure it reminded him of the shores of the Aegean Sea, where he grew up, beach days were the best days with Daddy.

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Some of my favourite memories were our trips to Greece especially here in 1997.

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Thanks to my dad, I never wondered how a woman should be treated by her husband, he loved my mom with all his heart. He welcomed Chris as a son, right from the first. Our wedding in 1998.

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With his first grandson – Lucas Christopher in 2004.

Our lives were filled with laughter and music (lot’s of Greek music too) – he loved a good party – here at my sister’s wedding.

How to change your internal news feed…

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Yesterday, I took the boys to their first meeting of a Poetry Club. Hosted by a brave, beautiful fellow home schooler in her lovely country home. A bunch of us moms dropped the kids off in another room and snuggled up together in her cozy sitting room having “shop talk” – for those who home school this includes any amount of discussion regarding – curriculum, children’s progress, lament over time, government, the latest natural food/ healing remedy, latest reads and sharing our own favourite poetry/ passages. Yesterday was a good day.

In honour of yesterday I thought I’d share this poem I wrote quite a awhile ago in response to all the negative news feeds swirling around on Facebook and the news…and partially in response to my post earlier this week on Dream Stealers. The news feeds haven’t changed, but something in my heart has….I don’t want to be cowed by the negative around me, I want to let the light rise up within me and shine out.

Bombarded from every side,
A phone call, a news feed, top stories all reporting the same thing.
Pictures of pain, stories of loss, endless dialogues of hurting
Whispers of regret and hopelessness, shame
Screams of fear and hatred, anger and disgust.
A brother suffers alone, a child is sold into the night
A woman ignored, a family torn apart.
Images of our world being polluted, destroyed…
The future seems grim for the earth,
And the people in it.

The shadows are laughing, lingering, leering
Death
Taking, taking, taking…

But we are children of light.
We raise our fists in defiance and insist on this…
In spite of and into the darkness…

We will GIVE.

Give goodness, mercy, faith and kindness… passage.
Give hope a voice, heard through the ages.
Give comfort and compassion to those who suffer.
Give the untouchables…a hug, and help.
Give differences… tolerance and patience.
Give forgiveness to all… whatever they’ve done.
Give grace to those who only see darkness, and walk in it, lost.
Give beauty… a body, a face, a name.
Give stories of life… momentum.
Give love… a chance to transform.
Give redemption… an open heart.
Give music and art, drama and dance… a stage….and an audience.
We will shine the Light and the darkness will surrender.

Life, and Light and Love… WILL WIN
through us walking in them.

Tammara Heaslip
2016

light in darkness

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Our Journey Through Infertility…Conclusion

Hi there!  If you are joining us for the first time today, you may want to go back to the beginning of the story part one is here , part two is here , part three is herepart 4 is here. and part 5 is here. As promised …here is the conclusion…

This time, we didn’t wait to tell our friends and family. I figured, most of them have walked most of this journey with us, might as well have them pray and walk along this stage with us too. So my younger sisters helped me a prepare a dinner for some good friends and we surprised them with the news…it was so. much. fun.

I don’t remember when we settled on the name Lucas, but I do remember speaking to him long before I could feel him moving around…I had minimal morning sickness and because I was still on Sabbatical I wasn’t overly tired because I could sleep whenever I wanted. But soon my sabbatical would be over and I would be returning to ministry and the school in the midst of a lot of upheaval…but I knew it would be short term for me because of mat leave, so the stress of it didn’t really effect me thankfully. The summer weeks flew by.

We had been invited to the wedding of some former students and now very good friends and had made plans to travel to Florida at the end of the summer…it would be just past the 12 week mark.

I was at work the day I was supposed to begin packing and I noticed some spotting…there was a moment when I felt all the fear and torment from the past 5 years rush up and try to overwhelm me…I rushed home without telling Chris, and ran around the house tearing open drawers and cupboards.

I had to find it…please don’t laugh, or roll your eyes, or get overly analytical.  I was looking for oil. It was this “anointing oil” a guest speaker had given out at a church meeting…I had scoffed at the time, thinking that if it’s in the bible, it doesn’t matter if you use olive oil, or coconut oil to pray with… I had not been convinced it was “special” , but “just in case I’m wrong” I hadn’t thrown it away…(BTW, I’m Still not sure it was special) but “just in case” I had dumped it all over myself and started thanking God that my joy would be full. FULL. FULL.

I was sitting on the floor in the room with the crib, covered in oil, when Chris got home later that evening.  BUT the spotting had stopped.  (I’ll leave it up to you what to believe, I’m just relaying my desperation in that moment to try anything…and I do give God credit for his grace throughout the journey, and for my children, and do believe I was healed that day, or earlier).

We called off the trip just to be safe…but after that day, there were no other problems in the pregnancy. The fall and winter came and went, I got bigger and bigger and happier and happier.

I started Mat leave about a month before my due date, and the next day my friends threw us a gigantic shower. Everything we needed and more was provided…we put everything away that night and I packed my hospital bag – well most of it…and the next day…He, the baby that is, decided to arrive early. Lucas would be our only baby to arrive 3 weeks early, the only one to be early period. I can’t begin to convey the joy in the hospital room…in fact the waiting room was full of people who had to be there when he arrived. Thankfully, it was in the afternoon. It was like a party hit the hospital. (Remember the friend who had called me while I was driving in Alberta? Her baby had been born the day before, in the same hospital, she was surprised to see us, because we were so early, but she just joined in the party) It was so much fun – after the grueling work of delivery that is!


After Lucas, 2 more boys arrived within four years…and I wasn’t sure if God thought he was just being funny – I mean 3 boys? I have 4 sisters, no brothers…”what does one do with boys?”… and then 6 years later our baby girl. Each of the rest of the babies took. their. blessed. time in arriving. Believe you me. But after each one, I knew, my joy was full. My cup ran over in fact. His grace is sufficient, and his love indescribable. But His joy, His joy is complete.

151017_Heaslip_048 (2)An interesting little note… in 2014 we were blessed to have Isabelle join our family. She is from China  and she is staying with us for all of high school. We love her parents like family, and she is definitely family, she fits right in, you’d never know she was an only child. She was born the year we lost Maggie. Isabelle makes every day more joyful for me, and our family. I had always said that I hoped to adopt a little girl from Asia someday, and maybe we will still…but maybe not. But I do know, that Isabelle was destined to be a part of our family from that day, and our hearts were being prepared to share life with her today, way back then. I thank God for her (and her family) everyday. Truly, our joy is full.

151017_Heaslip_024 (2)Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. Someone had asked me why I decided to share now, and honestly, because I was finally ready. I want to keep writing, and I know writing through the hard stuff  is part of the process. I hope you’ll come back, I hope you’ll share some of your stories with me. I love hearing from you and thank you for your friendship and love,

xoxo

Tammara

 

 

Pausing on May 1st

So many thoughts rumbling around today… but many of them with a similar theme…I guess someone is trying to get my attention…

I read this quote in my devotional today…

Going through life without pauses (big and small) would be like writing without punctuation! Commas, periods, or new paragraphs help us make sense of things., take a breath or organize, and to know where one chapter ends and a new one begins. We need these pauses in our lives as they unfold as well!              

~Amy Cooper Collier

from the devotional itself by Julie Bogart…

Maybe today we can all pause – simply long enough to be present to ourselves and to our families in this moment in time. To pause is to cease what you’re doing for a moment, giving yourself an opportunity to be.

and then this post from blogger Shauna…must pay attention…

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Pausing to think about a sisters birthday today. A sister who is lovely and gentle and kind. Silly and funny, quiet and thoughtful. Pleasant and loyal and deserves a really good year. A really, really good one. Happy birthday Aya – I love you always.

Pausing to reflect on my daughter. The joy it brings me to see those words before me. My daughter… all my life I wanted a daughter. She was worth the wait. Her name, Elaina, means light. I was thinking about how,she was born at the beginning of a new chapter. We’d had several years of darkness in our family so to speak. Death and disillusionment, disappointment and loss…and through it all we kept walking – rather stumbling, falling and crawling and even, being carried by grace. Grace and faith…at times, even hope was gone, and even the road didn’t look like a road leading anywhere good…but Jesus…he was there…and then, the road turned sharply, the clouds parted and the valley was behind us. Breathing deeply,the gasps of survivors. and we were bathed in light. The kind of light you can feel on your skin. The kind you can’t help but turn your face to. The kind that warms your insides, heals your soul, refreshes your hope and brings clarity to your mind…and the path ahead.

Light… reflecting on the daughter conceived in the final steps of that valley. Elaina, is certainly delightful, almost always happy, loved by everyone… last week I posted a cute pic of her online, and it had over 50 likes, overnight. She loves to jump and sing and dance. She loves hugs, and her family. She has this bright smile and sparkly eyes and this curly blonde hair that when the sun hits it on a certain angle, looks like a halo. She makes me pause…a million times a day. To hug, to sing “twinkle” – for of course – Twinkle, twinkle little star” –  a million times a day, to “jumpy mommy!”…she’s full of things to say and share and learn…a reflection of the promise.

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I pause to reflect on the years my womb was silent, when the hope for children was crushed again and again. I’ve often thought, why didn’t God just tell me then, what I know now…that it really was too early? That He had things for me to do that would be impossible to do with a family…and that I would look back on that hard season as one of the best of my life? That He knew me better than my 20 something self knew me… that I would want to share motherhood with my sisters who weren’t even married yet, rather than the friends who shared that season with me, but are no longer nearby? That  I would want my children to share memories with their cousins…not just grandparents. So the timing, though unexplained, difficult…  five years of waiting and loss, was in Him. Why didn’t he just whisper it to me? Maybe He had, and I just wasn’t listening. 20 somethings don’t often know how to pause.

Pausing to reflect on those sons – the first, the promise child – who causes me to cling to hope and continue to trust in the Lord’s promise, that the work of faith wasn’t fulfilled in his birth, but in the walking out of motherhood with him. The second son, the talker, the joker, the fun-maker. The one who pushed me away when he was months old, and still isn’t sure if he wants to pull me closer or push me away even now. A riddle I am challenged with loving in his own unique way, for forever. And the 3rd son. Born 6 months between the deaths of both grandfathers…the child who was peaceful… though rarely slept. Who cried every night, until you picked him up. Who just wanted to be held in the midnight hours…and now I wonder if instead it was he who was holding me…through his early years, the path our family walked, grew darker still and yet, this child continued to be a watchman – the one constantly seeking to comfort others. A picture of God’s peace in the midst of every imaginable storm…knowing now that God was holding us all up, together, and drawing us forward into a season of light.

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Pausing again, as our first chinese “daughter” returned to visit last night. Reflecting on 3 almost 4 years ago, and where we were then, at the very beginning of this chapter – when I was expecting Elaina and welcoming light in…and where we are now, where the Lord has brought us…wondering if she saw the difference? Wondering if the light I feel radiating inside me, is felt outside me at all yet?

Pausing, to reflect on Grace. Where we’ve been, where we’re going. To let the light shine, to let the light in and to give thanks.

“My name is now Christian, but my name used to be Graceless.” ― John BunyanThe Pilgrim’s Progress: From This World to That Which Is to Come